Don’t let things build up. Communicate!

My life has definately taken a turn. There are certain things in my relationship with the mother of my daughter that I believe I let build up inside of me without really having the kahones to talk about certain things with her. These things would be the problems that I have presented in this page. The best tool that we have is communication in relationships. I now believe that if we learn to do this in any relationship that we can master any situation, almost. We had a heart to heart discussion finally about the things that concerned us both. We walked away from that conversation feeling refreshed, reassured, and renewed. Now when I say my life has taken a turn, I really mean taken a turn. I was having difficulties finding work so she got me a job working at the same place as her. To the norm this is not a normal thing but to us it is reality. I think it is so wonderful that our co-workers and people that come in to our place of business can see an example of successful co-parenting. Many think it is weird that we even talk but in actualality we even work together. Do not misunderstand this is not a renewal of a romantic relationship. I am still 9 years into a wonderful relationship with my wife. It is just so nice to feel open around the mother of my child again and that our friendship has developed to an even deeper level ( The mutual love and adoration of our child, being able to celebrate that together, and seeing the difference it makes in our daughter’s life.)

WHAT I AM SAYING IS LEARN TO COMMUNICATE, WORK HARD ON THIS!

A Great New Resource

For the fathers that are looking for resources or community there is a web site that can help; Dads.Alltop.com. It is a great network for fathers. Also, once again NFI, the National Fatherhood Initiative is a resource that is there for us dads.

Pictures of Fatherhood (This is Encouraging)

The National Fatherhood Initiative is currently having a contest of pictures or videos including fathers and their children. It is much more than a contest though. It is an opportunity to be encouraged and encourage other fathers with video or pictures of what it is to be a father. Just think of the wonderful memories you have had with your children and then let others be encouraged by your memories. To go to the link http://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhoodmeans/. Remember to sign up for NFI and their e-mails while you are there. It is a great resource and site for fathers. Kids grow up too fast don’t miss out on the opportunity to be a part of it.

Fathers Speaking Out

The purpose of this blog is that Fathers might have a space to share in their victories, angers and frustrations with parenting. It is important that we have a voice because we are some one’s Dada. For many years men have been letting our credibility slip by simply allowing the current system dictate how we must be dads in or out of wedlock. I am a father now for 9 and 1/2 years and every day of my little girls life is more important than anything in the world. I will commit to sharing my story through gradual post. It is very important that other Fathers share their stories with me as well. I truly believe that as Dads we will make a difference in the society that we live in. I know this because of the look in my daughter’s eyes. She is going to change the world with the help of her mother, step-mother, and myself. As a father we are often not credited with our efforts. Our joy is simply in the smiles and laughter of our children. This often allows us to be victims of a system or social structure that I believe our children would never agree with or is beneficial in developing the leaders of tomorrow. Please speak up with your stories; all are welcome. Together I know we can and will make a difference. I will start with a partial story of fatherhood in my next post. SPEAK OUT THE WORLD NEEDS TO HEAR!!!!!

One Of The Two Best Days Of My Life

I was in Fresno, CA leaving back to Modesto for a BB-Q with the guys. The mother was ready to pop. I had a pager. Yes, I said a pager. When “The Baby” (this is what most people call their kids for the first six months because it is odd attaching a name to a newborn) was going to be born I was going to get a 911911911 page. I got to the BB-Q. We were playing darts AND my pager went off. A chill went up my spine as I read the 911911911 page. I said guys, “I’m having a baby!” Immediately, I started making calls. I called my mom first because I knew she would be driving to Fresno for the birth and that she was at work (Hershey’s). My friend Steve was going to come too so I called him. I hurried home grabbed my stuff picked up Steve. This all began at about 8:00 PM. I got to St. Anthony’s Hospital in Fresno at about 10:00PM. Really, I basically drove home and drove right back to Fresno. The night was long and full of contractions like every ten minutes. We tried natural without medication but come on, there must be serious pain involved. An epidural was done at about 9:00AM and we both slept for an hour or two. We awoke to the nurse letting us know that she was pretty much fully ready to let this incredible person into the earth. Well, to make a long story shorter, my baby was born around 3:30PM, WOW! The instant she was born the Doctor handed me his scissors and I cut the bellybutton. This was much tougher than I thought it would be. It took me a couple of cuts. Then, the thing they put on her bellybutton looked like a clothes pin.
There she was “The Baby”!!
As though something snapped and broke in the universe, my life had forever changed. I now had a purpose, responsibility for another’s life, and the greatest gift of all Emma. I became a different man that day. My daughter is so amazing!!!!!!!
Oh, and by the way, I also got nine months of back child support to pay that day.
Like I said, successes and frustrations. I am going to hit them all.

The One Year Idea

The mother and myself were not a couple at the time of the birth. Actually, we had been friends much longer than we ever dated. Having a child can be very stressful to any type of relationship; friends, lovers, or simply one night lovers. We knew in our hearts that the worst thing that we could have done was to go and get married because we were having a kid. We did not get along at all when the stress of marriage came into the picture. I have seen many couples run off and get married ASAP just to avoid having a child out of wedlock (old fashioned public humiliation). Well I must say that there is nothing humiliating about having a child. Having a child is more of an adventure than anything else.
The one year idea is something that we arranged to avoid these confusions. We decided not to make any decisions about our relationship until the child was one year old. This took the focus off of us and put it on our child. I wish it were as easy as I just made it sound but the short of the matter is that it worked.
Before she was one year old, any compulsions that we had no longer existed. In fact, that is the point in my life that I met my wonderful wife who I have now been with for nine years. I truly believe if you look forward and not back in regret that good can come from any situation.
Father Blogger

A Taste of Control

That first year was a roller coaster. I assume that no matter the situation, the first year always has it’s ups and downs. Fortunately for me, “The Baby” was as easy as newborn could be on their parents. She slept through the night, did not cry much at all and basically not that difficult. Don’t get me wrong it was a lot of work. From sterilizing bottles to deciding whether to rest during her naps or get stuff done. This is pretty much where my first trials began. I lived in Modesto (Yes, Gary Condit and Scott Peterson Modesto) with my family. The mother lived in Fresno at her mother’s house. I was working two jobs in Modesto about two and a half days a week and taking a break from school as well to spend time with my daughter and help raise her as well. My first trial was exactly this, the mother would not allow me to have my daughter in Modesto overnight for an entire year. Her excuse was that the baby was breast feeding and could not be away from her overnight. This is not a reality as everyone knows. That was the only excuse! I guess I was really relying on our friendship to guide us. This was not the case though. I was driving to Fresno constantly, staying at her mom’s house just to be with the baby. I really wanted to have her with my family as well. My relationship with my daughter was being dictated because I had no right to take my child to see my family. I still don’t understand the thinking. My fears were legitimised at this point. The only way to have any actual rights with my daughter would be to go to court and have legal rights. The long and the short of this is that having a paper to fall back upon when you disagree about things does make a difference. (I’m jumping way forward with the results but the outcome of the legal process cut our disagreements down considerably, even though neither of us agreed on the results completely). I guess the advise that I am trying to give in this article is for Fathers to be proactive rather than reactive. Father’s can have every right to be an equal parent in our children’s lives. From the look in my nine year old’s eyes I know that she appreciates every moment with me and I have no doubt that she is the amazing person that she is because of the love displayed to her by her mom, step-mom, and myself.

The Situation

No matter what your situation is, there is nothing more important than the child involved in the situation. Issues will arise always. I sadly promise this. This will happen in every aspect of life though. I love to think of the metaphor about how after a storm the sky is beautiful. This is pretty true with life. I have friends going through divorce and my biggest concern is their children. Parents tend to drag their children into situations. From personal experience, this only ends in resentment later in life. I know that I’m preaching to the choir or you wouldn’t be reading this.
MORE STORIES TO COME.

At The Age Of Nine

My daughter has now been enrolled in the same school for one and a half years. She started kindergarten in Fresno and stayed there through the end of her first grade year. At that point her mother, my wife and I made a decision to move to a remote city that would be agreed upon by all of us. We decided on Davis, CA because it was the best fit for our family situations. The Mom was getting her masters degree in social work, my wife was going through nursing school and Davis had the best school districts that parents could ask for for their children. I am giving you this tad bit of history because it is necessary to understand what is going on at this point.

I am in a situation where the mom and I both share joint legal and physical custody with our daughter. Before we had moved here two and a half years ago Emma was going to school in Fresno while my wife and I lived in Modesto near our families. I had Emma every weekend while her mom had her on schooldays. We alternated weeks during the summer. We decided on a city to move so that we could share equally in our daughters life living in the same city as we all moved from our respective families. Well, to this point we have had weekly arrangement where we alternate on Fridays. We plan on continuing it as well but here is the problem. Our court papers say that if we are to move out of our respective counties from the court ordered agreement that we need to put the new agreement on paper and have it notarized. Well, the mother will not do this for some reason. I believe that she might feel that because the last court papers say that she has her during school days and I have her on weekends that she can move back to Fresno any time that she wants and take Emma with her. I have fulfilled my end of the bargain and sent the papers to the court saying that I live in Yolo county now but the mother refuses to do this.

(On a side personal note; She happens to have a lawyer as a boyfriend who graduated from the town we live in but now lives in Fresno. He has told her that he will not move back to this area and convinces her to move back to Fresno) This would tear our family apart. My wife (Emma’s Step-Mom) has devoted her life to Emma and had no problem moving up here, even though it put her studies back two years, so that we could all live in the same vicinity. We have all sacrificed in the name of love and I feel slighted by a young lawyer who has been dating the mother of my child for three years now. They are trying to find ways to get my daughter back to Fresno. In-spite, her growth in school, the community, and happiness of not living in separate cities once again. My wish is that the mother would find someone willing to sacrifice for her as my wife did for our family because we all know that this is the best situation for Emma.

I have much more to say but in stride!

Earliest Thoughts (Taken From Journal)

The following was taken from my journal while we both still lived in San Diego, 10 years ago.

November 10, 1997 3:37 PM Sitting on Sunset Cliffs with rain coming down.

What can I say about life? Nothing because I just don’t know. Well, I’m having a baby, Maxwell or Emma. I don’t know what I want out of this life but I know I want to get on my feet and help people. I’ve never had more questions in life than I do right now. I want to be so truthful and authentic in all areas of my life. I want to be more responsible. I love my child so much I wish I could hug it now. The mother and I have things to figure out as well. I have a feeling that things aren’t going to turn out the idealistic way. The ocean is so beautiful it is unexplainable. This storm has made a mess of the ocean. It is so choppy but it will be smooth as glass with beautiful waves once again then choppy again. Does everything in life go in cycles with only the time period of each cycle changing?, or do people and things permanently change?